Hi Fam!

This is your girl, Zarbakht Bilal. Thanks for visiting me and being kind enough to subscribe to the email notifications! I am always available for answering your queries. In case of any help, feel free to contact me at [email protected]

Somedays, we wake up to the sound of rain and frosty wind blowing outside our windows. Such days are when we battle with the urge to take a day off and spend some time with our own, peaceful selves.

For centuries, people have believed that most practical decisions are made with our minds; however, I dare to disagree. I believe that the best decisions are the ones that we make with our conscience. This morning, I woke up to a perfectly gloomy, rainy day. My cozy, knitted sweater, paired up with the blue jeans and snuggly long boots, was waiting for me in the corner, ready to start the day.

My last alarm rang at 8:20, but I dragged myself out of bed at 8:50 am sharp. The sound of rain made my heart tune in for a slow day. As I stood in front of the mirror, I battled my mind and conscience till 9:15, and after a while, I finally decided to take a day off. Quickly turning in my leave application, I got out of bed to make breakfast for my snoring husband.

There is no such phenomenon as slow days. They do not simply exis but are created with a present mind and ample time to invest in positive things. It could look like an aged piped cigar candle burning in front of your Christmassy fireplace candle stand while your favorite Netflix show plays on TV.

It might also look like you are writing a piece of prose or doing anything that draws you closer to your best, more peaceful, and happier self. Also, it could be you playing and snuggling with your excited and jumpy toddler in the warm bed, exchanging soft kisses and violent hugs while watching a scary show. A warm bubbly bath to soak in while your favourite song plays on the radio could be one perfect depiction of a slow day as well.

I wanted a perfectly slow day today, so I created one. Sometimes, you need to prioritize yourself and your mindfulness before you embark on a day full of hustle. Take out some time and engage with your best version by dwelling in the coziness of the deeper, inner point of views of life, and you will come out well-prepared for the bigger adventures that await you in the cold outside.

Some days are just lazy breakfast-in-bed kind of mornings where the peel of hard-boiled eggs won’t come off easily and we will get ugly, coarse-looking eggs in the egg teacups instead of the insta-perfect ones we were dreaming of. The days when our Polaroid cameras will remain untouched on the dusty shelves just because we won’t have any good memories to capture.

On such days, the sun itself seems to linger deliberately in its celestial path. It casts long shadows that stretch with a lethargic grace across the earth. Yet, paradoxically, these are the very days when time itself conspires to elude our grasp. It slips through our fingers with an urgency that belies the sun’s tranquil journey. It is as if the slow arc of the sun’s passage through the sky mocks our mortal desires. We wish for the day to stretch as endlessly as the shadows at our feet. This serves as a reminder of the fleeting nature of our perceptions and the preciousness of each moment. These moments race past, unnoticed and unrecoverable.

While such days don’t bring significant happiness to our lives, they are equally important as they teach us resilience and endurance. Sometimes we have to endure the emotions that we loathe because of the people they are associated with. Similarly, we have to endure the bad days because they are a part of our lives, and we and our loved ones are a part of them. Every good and bad day that we spend is our story. There is death, and that only gives us a reason to live and cherish every moment of our lives to the fullest.

Our imperfect days tell us that a brighter, better sun will shine the next morning, and that makes our perfectly imperfect life picture-perfect!

Not every morning is that perfect—folded linens, pillows fluffed up, and laundry hung up for air drying in the sunshine kind of morning. Rather, most of the time, it is dirty laundry on your bathroom floor, a twisted blanket, and pillows scattered on the bed.

I have always been peculiar about my morning routine and daily chores. Still, since my baby turned one, I sometimes intentionally let him sleep through his leaked diaper because I know that I can wash my sheets and blanket first thing in the morning, but he won’t get his sweet sleep back. No matter how bothersome those tiny clothes peeping through my laundry basket are, I sometimes let them sit overnight. I might not cook anything at all if I don’t feel like doing anything or stand in the kitchen the entire day on my productive day, and trust me, both of these days are equally important to keep my sanity intact.

These little things make us realize that it’s okay to be imperfect. Life is a perfect balance between perfection and imperfections, and if any of them exceeds a specific limit, the quality of our lives is affected.

This is a reminder that it’s okay to take a break and slow down to one thing at a time. You might conquer the world one day and hibernate like a turtle for the next whole week, and that is perfectly fine.

I used to blog daily before my marriage, no matter if I had an exam the other day. I always had my posts scheduled and featured images ready. My husband sometimes complains about how I gave up on writing, which aches my heart. However, I am taking my time, soaking up the challenges of early motherhood for now, as conquering the world can wait.

Sometimes, the moon and a purring cat on the window sill are all that you have to get through the dark, creeping night. Sometimes, the only blanket that can comfort you on a stormy night is your bare skin. We don’t always get a shoulder to cry on or an individual to lean on, so what’s the rush? It’s just you and yourself by your side, so just slow down and take a deep breath! Take your time and do what works best for you.

There’s no harm in doing what you love before embarking on what actually needs to be done. You can always take time for yourself, no matter how hard your life is treating you.

We need to normalize taking a break because we live in a world where hustle is glamorized to the extent that not doing anything makes you feel like a guilty culprit.

Today, when I started writing this blog, I also turned on a time-lapse recording, and when I watched it later, it just recorded an empty couch with my laptop and occasional flashes of me. Do you know why? I barely made it to two lines when my baby barged into the room to get his diaper changed. I realized the towel was too damp, so I had to get a fresh one from the store. Meanwhile, the washing machine dinged, and I went out to hang the clothes. On my way back, I kneaded the pizza dough for tonight, played with my baby because he was being clingy, and after five hours of wondering if I’d be able to complete writing this or shut my laptop down after saving this as a draft, like always, I finally made it!

Yay for this slow but steady achievement!

The concept of Motherhood isn’t essentially about sacrificing yourself for your baby. Taking care of yourself in the first place isn’t selfishness, rather it is the most important thing to do if you analyse things from the futuristic perspective. Taking care of yourself is the first thing that you could actually do for your baby and most importantly, for your own well-being.

Motherhood comes differently to all the mothers and I believe that any form of motherhood is beautiful because a mother knows exactly what is best for her and her child. On the very first visit to my doctor, postpartum, she tried to convince me that I have to sacrifice myself for the baby, considering now that I am a mother. However, I totally disagreed with this very typical point of view.

I believe that a mother already endures too much to bring a baby into this world and absolutely no one has a right to make any comments on how she should raise her infant. Having the courage to give up on your perfect body and let it turn into a canvas of stretch marks with every passing day, seeing your body loose it’s firmness and delicacy, loosing those beautiful strands of hair, seeing those Cinderella feet inflating day by day until one day you wake up with feet of an Ogre. Moreover, missing out on Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook just because you don’t feel like posting yourself and memories from the past year, showing how beautiful you were before pregnancy, adding to your misery. Looking yourself up in the mirror and not being able to vibe with your true self.

Being unable to fit into your favourite clothes, not being able to put on that most cherished sparkly diamond ring that your husband gave you on your first wedding anniversary because your fingers have grown in their circumference. Losing that beautiful belly to what looks like an accumulation of jiggly jelly that aches and bounces whenever you laugh and walk, losing your perfectly straight posture because of the weight that you carried for nine months and the stitches that hinder you from sitting straight too early. Having leg and arm cramps at night, episodes of anxiety, crying for no reason, loss of confidence at times, pessimism, depression and baby blues but still putting up a smile because people expect you to act normal as soon as you get the baby out of your belly and even get irritated if you act lazy or come up to them as problematic individual because you cannot afford any problems or ailments now that the baby is out of your body.

Being unable to leave the house and enjoy life as you used to do, not being able to love your partner and enjoy his company and impatience to return back to your old self super fast but not being able to anytime soon. If all these aren’t the sacrifices that every mother makes for her new born, what else should we expect HER to do to prove her loyalty and commitment as a mother?

Sacrifice doesn’t essentially mean to give up on yourself in order to prioritise your baby. Rather, you can love and take care of your baby by choosing what’s best for both of you. You shouldn’t always go beyond your limit to prove your motherly love, rather you can do it the easy way too.

It’s okay to take those selfish naps in the day time while handing over your baby to the ones you could trust your baby with. It’s okay to introduce your baby to the bottle while you’re recovering postpartum. It’s okay to go out for a spiritual retreat as your baby stays at home with his/her grandmother. It’s okay to go out with your friends and have some fun. It’s okay if you don’t shed those extra pounds right after the delivery or even months after because you should determine the period of your physical and mental recovery and no one should have any say in this matter whatsoever. It’s okay if you eat some extra carbs without thinking twice about shedding your weight. Don’t bother the clumsy room and cluttered wardrobes because of the fear that people will judge your management skills. Instead, mind your own health and let people deal with their mental ailments themselves as that isn’t your responsibility.

Many women struggle to enjoy the early phase of motherhood, feel overwhelmed, distracted, anxious and lost. This might be because of so many sudden changes that a woman is going through in this new phase of her life and deteriorated health conditions, but that is also perfectly okay! It doesn’t mean that you love your baby any less. In fact, every mother love her child alike. You will figure it out with time and once things start making sense, you will start enjoying this new era of motherhood as well. Don’t push yourself through it and don’t be hard on yourself, it all gets better in the end.

It’s okay if you are unable to produce sufficient milk to satisfy your baby’s hunger, it’s okay to either exclusively formula or breast feed your baby. It’s okay to indulge in what interests you when the baby sleeps. It’s okay to let your baby cry for a while as you take your time to get up from the bed because every inch of your body aches with pains from injections, epidural, cannulas, internal and external stitches, uterine contractions and physical weaknesses from breastfeeding.

Its okay to try new things and choose yourself first because it is then you can raise your child well and enjoy the wholesome journey when you prioritise yourself and heal naturally, slowly and gradually, altogether. It’s okay if you don’t look like the same diva that you used to be, for quite sometimes, it’s okay to be clumsy without being apologetic, its okay to be forgetful and distracted just because there’s so much going on inside your body that you can’t always explain to others. It’s okay if you stay up some extra hours at night for some “me-time” after putting your little one to sleep because you also have a life of your own and there is so much that you want to do throughout the day but couldn’t because of such a drastic change in your routine.

It’s okay if you can’t control your expressions and look like an angry or depressed wench just because you can’t always smile to please people when you’re physically and emotionally strained. It’s okay if you’re wearing ugly clothes and not those fancy-shmancy attires anymore because your comfort is what matters the most. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Don’t let anyone force you to go beyond your new-mama-comfort-zone because in the end, people are going to judge you anyway. Your delayed recovery will also become a topic without any regard for your extreme sacrifices for the baby. Every mother loves her baby differently, so don’t let anybody tell you how to cherish your own baby.

Take your time, heal, process, explore and make your comeback when you feel like it and not because people expect you to do so!

There was something great about today’s morning. It was not as monotonous as my normal days have been lately. One of my friends shared an extremely cute post in a chat group that said, “No matter what happens, see you at home.” The post, although was about how living together with the person you love is not always pumpkin spice and everything nice rather there is much more to it. A lot of people think that it is all about breakfast in bed every morning, bringing back flowers and chocolates for each other daily after work, snuggling together in bed till you both snore away into the land of magical twilight and a freshly brewed coffee mug a dinner cooked to perfection every night on your table.

In reality however, living with the person you love is about arguing over simple things like my side table’s drawer is cleaner than yours why is yours being so messy? It is the unavailability of pressed clothes in the morning while going for work in urgency or a complaint about “we do not go out together that much anymore.” It is stressing over managing the financial crisis and waking up with cold joints because you were thrown out of the blanket at night.

The message continued with an uplifting thought that despite all the differences you have, you are always eager to meet each other at home because this person is the one that you love and care for the most. You know that no matter what happens, this person would always stick by your side and would never let you go.

Amid the chaos of life, there is peace that you find in the happy moments of passionate love and intense laughter, deciding to cook dinner together but ending up ordering pizza from a random restaurant just to be disappointed again by the quality of pizza, and how it could have been made better at home, looking forward to do a movie night but end up sleeping while scrolling through the Netflix due to mutual indecisiveness, planning a trip in the morning but waking up in the afternoon because you binge-watched your favorite show a little too much last night, promising each other that we would save money from now on but making a big, useless purchase just because the offer seemed too good to be real, cleansing and scrubbing each others’ face and dipping sore feet in the salt bath together. You know for sure that the moment you would lay your head on each others’ shoulders, all of the stress and burden that you brought home would fade away. These are the instants of intimacy as we call them however, I believe that there is a supreme form of intimacy that could be labelled as ‘codependency’.

The co-dependence I believe is the raw form of intimacy. Since we all have our own imperfections and self-destructive abilities, this codependency beautifully enables us to complete each other by putting our life in a circular loop, where if one person is unable to comprehend an aspect of life, the other person is there to get a hold of the situation and figure out how to get out of any trouble, together. This eventually makes our life much more easier and a worthwhile experience. Letting the person that you love fill your loopholes and enabling you to be the best version of yourself is the best form of intimacy you can ever have.

Home is where your wi-fi connects automatically, they say. However, coming to the definition of home, in contrast to what mostly people would think of it, it does not necessarily mean the piping hot tea whistling on the rustic stove when you get home and could possibly be a messy kitchen counter and greasy dishes waiting to be washed and dried. It might not always be about a cozy, comfortable couch and crackling fireplace in a well-lit lounge, but a dripping roof and dark rooms due to electricity breakdown from the last night’s storm. Home is an emotion, not a place, it is the smile that glows up your face as you enter the front door, and the aroma of freshly cooked food along with the refreshing cold air that kisses you ‘welcome back home’, it is the people that you love and look forward to after a tiring day, not the brick walls, grand furniture and fancy wallpapers. Home is how we feel about a place not because we live there and it belongs to us, but how comfortably we can roam around in our loungewear and bare faces with halos of dark circles around our eyes, where nobody judges you, and you can laugh your lungs out with your siblings till midnight, where plans are made and cancelled till the time you go to your bed and finally fall asleep.

“Home is not about perfection, but a beautiful composition of unique, imperfect human beings living, exploring, cherishing and celebrating life altogether.”

Where shall the broken hearts go

Who have been told to let go

Of the agony and destruction

Caused by shallow souls that met

On the subways and crossroads.

Shadows on the moonlit walls

They say you would forget it all

What they never told however

They too possess the aching souls

Like tea stains on a diary page

Love once done can never fade

The shrapnels from a hand grenade

If taken out gives only pain

The bodies consumed

On a winter night

What empty mouths called

“A lover’s bite”

The warmth of finger tips

As the heavens unite

The unity a nightmare

Was love actually there?

The unrequited tales of love

Stories that never ended still breathe

Leaving broken hearts behind

Captive inside the dusty mantle piece

Used to of love,

Now don’t know what to do.

Their sun went dark

And all the moons and starlight

There are many reasons to die

Yet love kills you while you’re alive

Because last time it never meant see you later

But a forever goodbye

Years from then

Heart still remembers

What mind does not

Flame still smoulders

But the fire’s gone

Broken hearts bleed through the cracks of past

Into the forbidden temple

Where scars stay forever

Love, forever gone.

~Zarbakht Bilal.

Crisp winter breeze in the morning making love with the golden fallen leaves. I watch them from the foggy window, while the kettle on the stove whistles passionately.

It’s the love that makes the dead fallen leaves rise high, yet giving them another chance to breathe before they take their final plunge of sleep, into the dewy grass.

And evening, trust me it belongs to all of us differently. The evening is not a timeframe but an emotion that we all feel in our own way.

Clinking champagne glasses, crimson ball gown with pearls and tassels, burning cigarettes, bubble bath, kissing in the golden hour, waiting in an empty restaurant, smoking weed, burning desires, chasing sunsets, tuning in the favorite song and dancing by the bleeding dawn.

For some, it’s a rebirth,

Others, mere death.

-An Ode to Evening.

Remember that morning when you woke up and looked yourself up in the mirror. Your hair scattered in the air and eyes plump from crying the whole night?

How did the void sound to you? When you knew there won’t be a text from the one you talked to for a million hours of your life. Tell me that morning your forlorn eyes and shattered soul stood stagnant right in front of that same mirror that witnessed it all since the beginning. Did the mirror tell you anything? Was it aware of the end? There were no answers to your questions and the air that morning was dead.

How did the sound of loneliness felt to you?

-When it all ends.

Like a pouring night of December, first love can never be forgotten, he told me with a glimmer in his eyes.

Did he lie to me back then?

Or did my delusional mind fail to comprehend the naked truth shining bright in that moment of dancing ecstasy;

He was just being honest.

-The Art of Lying and Misconceptions.