Remember that morning when you woke up and looked yourself up in the mirror. Your hair scattered in the air and eyes plump from crying the whole night?

How did the void sound to you? When you knew there won’t be a text from the one you talked to for a million hours of your life. Tell me that morning your forlorn eyes and shattered soul stood stagnant right in front of that same mirror that witnessed it all since the beginning. Did the mirror tell you anything? Was it aware of the end? There were no answers to your questions and the air that morning was dead.

How did the sound of loneliness felt to you?

-When it all ends.

Like a pouring night of December, first love can never be forgotten, he told me with a glimmer in his eyes.

Did he lie to me back then?

Or did my delusional mind fail to comprehend the naked truth shining bright in that moment of dancing ecstasy;

He was just being honest.

-The Art of Lying and Misconceptions.

Capsules of Memories.

We all have our struggle! A series of unfortunate events and thriving hard to survive them is how we describe life nowadays. Busy in getting our gigs done and devoting our lives to a single cause, that is where we tend to forget is that life is the name of breathing, and living every moment to its fullest. It is a worthwhile experience, not a frame of time in which we contain ourselves like a little chirping bird inside the wooden cage. 

Running televisions in our lounges and constant buzzing phones in our hands keep us distracted in this happening world and we all become a part of this change. However, as the time passes, we all come to realize that if we wont stop to appreciate what we have and cherish it for a while, it would slip down our fingers like the sand in an hour glass. 

The tea cup on the kitchen counter is still hot and the tiny swirls of heat that dance upon the surface, against the sunlight peeping in from the window, I can feel the warmth of my husband. I can still hear his laughter roaring in the empty kitchen and his vision holding the same tea cup and thanking me for making a wrap for him because we ran out of bread in the morning. The memory belongs to him in this very moment. However, as the day would pass the memory would vanish and I would no longer remember it as the cup would be washed out and stand still and cold in the dishes rack. 

Back in the days when we all were once cherishing our childhood, remember how all of the siblings used to gather inside the living room dancing and prancing around our parents like the little chickens around their mother and how hard we tried just to put a smile on our parents’ face. I still remember the cozy drawing room with a crackling fireplace where all of us used to gather and make memories, the time when we all had time for each other. The days where we actually wanted to be with each other and yearned for the genuine warmth. 

I went to my university the other day and whilst I sat down on the same table in the hallway where I spent 4 years of my life, I barely felt any connection with the place because that was the moment of realization. That was the instant where I actually realized that it is not the place or a thing that we cherish but the person who is associated with them. The table where I was filling my clearance form alone, was the same table where I used to sit and wait for my bestfriend in the morning, do projects and assignments with our classfellows, eat lunch in the noon while skipping classes and sharing lots of secrets and laughter in our free time. The fact that I could not see the same faces in the same ambiance made me feel unsettled because that place no longer belongs to us, rather, now is the time for new people to make memories there. In that very moment, I wished for the time to rewind back to that summer afternoon where we all were so happy, and together back in our days and when this place belonged to us. 

Lost inside the capsule of our struggle, we forget that the people around us are the real push why we are moving forward. Parents are struggling so that their kids could have a better, brighter future, husbands are struggling so that they could get the whole world for their wives and the wives are struggling to start a new family, but what if the people we are struggling for disappear one day? A day would come when one or both parents would disappear in the photoframes and polaroids, when our partner would leave us lost and lonely, when the children would step out of their parents’ homes to start their new family. Would the struggle be same then? The home we long to return back to at the end of the day, would it be same without the people that live in it? As a matter of fact, it is the choice of genuine over temporary. We are lost amid the fancy facade of temporary people that blinds us to an extent that we are unable to see the warm, golden halo of the people that we actually need to keep in our lives.

People inhabit us like a blooming garden and they are also capable of leaving us like an ancient abandoned library that is full of magical words waiting to be rediscovered. People come and leave, one person might be our whole world in a moment and in the other moment he would be gone and that is when we think that we are on the brink of downfall and the world is collapsing, yet again we find someone who makes us believe in ourselves once again. That is where the struggle starts again, the struggle to keep that person in your life for as long as you can.

Focus on who you are with, rather than what you are doing because most of the times, amid what we are doing, we lose the people who we started our journey with. Inhabit your life with people and not struggles because the struggle is eternal but the genuine souls scattered around will fade away with time. In the end we could say that life actually is not a struggle for things, but a struggle for people. Make yourself vulnerable to time and memories, cherish the company that you have and you would see how every moment would become a walk to remember, because it is only if you stop and look for a while that the life would give you an opportunity to love what you have and keep it safe in your heart, forever.

Life: A beautiful semblance of experience and memories.

Life surprises you, doesn’t it? A moment ago you were thinking about something and now you want something legit pole opposite. A beautiful semblance of experiences and memories, life is all about changing preferences and evolving priorities and this is totally fine.

A month ago, the only mission of this girl was to avail a foreign scholarship and fly past the globe to wander in the wet evening streets of Edinburgh and write poems about how ethereal that place is. However, here I am, sitting beside my whining husband who is struggling to sleep right now because of his headache. As I look at him at the moment, I hardly believe that he ever existed anywhere in my WHOLE universe before. This feeling is where I realised that giving up on certain things doesn’t mean that you’re off track or that you lost your chance, however, changes are always beautiful if cherished in the right way.

There are a million moments when I reflect back on how my life has changed after marriage and the only answer that rings the bells is evolution of priorities. A lot of people and things that meant so much to me once have stepped down a bit and my new home and it’s inhabitants have become my prime focus. It doesn’t mean that my sisters, family and friends mean any less to me, however we can put it this way that the first thing on my mind as I wake up is to get my husband to go to office, make him a fancy shmacy breakfast- which unfortunately I can’t because he is on diet-and call my mom later after.

As anxious and depressed as people get after losing something for another thing, I find it equally ecstatic because why not? The mighty mechanism of time removed something or someone from your life to replace it with the better and we all do, at some point realise that whatever changes came into our lives earlier were the master plan and if it wasn’t for that one change, you wouldn’t have been here. There is no use being afraid of the changes that life throws at you, rather embrace them learn, evolve and grow because life demands an evolution with every passion moment, doesn’t it? A moment ago you were thinking about making something different to eat but right now, you’re a complete sleepy head who wants to sleep and nothing else.

Writers block was one other thing that I was facing throughout this time and it kind of sucked. I did panic in the start since writing was a major habit and not being able to do something that actually inspires you to live a healthy and positive life could be really bothersome. To be honest, I completely let it be and just waited for the right moment to guide my inner voice and here I am. Life eventually comes back to its zero point which is commonly known as our normal routine but it takes time. Meanwhile what we can do is to give some space to yourself and let things simmer slowly and gradually.

Things can go completely offbeat and that’s okay because life isn’t about settling, rather it is a continuous transition. Those who learn to dance with the rhythm of this transition will fade into the realm of prosperity, however those who resist and don’t change themselves according to the new requirements are left behind into the darkest pits of loneliness and destitute.

Coolest self-care ideas for these Winters!

As winters have settled in, don’t let the gray clouds bring gloominess to the sunshine in your life. Follow these self-care ideas or make a check-list of your own choice and sparkle up these winters with a coziness. As my exams are going on, I’ll be soon writing about something winter-ish to give you more cozy ideas for this season. Stay warm and click the post below to enjoy the original read.

Happy Winters! <3

It’s okay not to be okay.

“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other more gently, with more love, tolerance and care.”

— Marvin. J. Ashton

Our life is a bitter sweet semblance of different phases. At one time we are extremely energetic and creativity diffuses in our veins like an ink drop in the sparkling water. However, it is very important to learn that not every phase last for a very long time just like a day passes by with such a tender subtleness that by the time we actually notice, the sun is already set. There are days in our lives where we don’t feel like doing anything at all. The days when you want to quit all the flamboyance and just sit on the roof-top, gazing stars in silence. On the other hand there are also these very strange days where you don’t even want to leave your bed and just lie down in awkward position, curled up with half blanket on your body and the rest hanging down your bed. Your studies are affected, eating routine is messed up and all you could feel is anxiety.

If you are experiencing any of the above phase, just know that it’s perfectly okay not to be okay sometimes, because, being okay or not is one thing that we can’t control. The only thing that we can, is believing that better days are coming. If you go through the history and read about all the great writers like Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allan Poe and Charles Dickens, which we actually look up to as our inspiration, you would come to know that they all faced this phase in their lives which severely affected their writing, drinking and smoking habits, their financial stability, marriage, mental health and social reputation, but what happened? They rose again, and every time they did, they emerged stronger than ever.

It is better to follow your bodily patterns and tune them gently according to what needs to be done. Rebelling against your bodily energy could lead you to an overwhelming mental state. Be kind to your body and store your energy for the productive days. Nowadays, it is something that a very few people understand, however, before anyone else, it should be you, yourself to understand that it is perfectly fine and that tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow or the day after that would be a good day and the sun will shine the brightest for you. Just hang in there, everything is going to be alright and remember that you are the only authority who could make a difference in your life.

“Just as stars shine brightest in the darkest night, your joy blazes brilliantly through life’s problems when you count them as joy.”

―Elizabeth George

Gothic Fiction: A Direct Imitation of Reality?

Gothic fiction is a whole mood. I mean I just finished reading Edgar Allan Poe which included one of his enchanting poem, The Raven and bewitching short story, Tell-tale Heart. I wont lie but they left me awe-struck and I definitely recommend you all to give them a read, especially now that the October is here and the nights are getting colder. They would serve as an enthralling bed-time reads that would ascend you into another dimension of underworld.

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
― Edgar Allen Poe

Gothic fiction I believe is a genre that emerges from the real life experiences of the normal human-beings. However, they are an exciting interpretation of those daily-life issues like mental and psychological ailments, anxiety, depression, loneliness and what not. Gothic fiction serves as a glitter that brings shimmer to our ordinary painting thus stealing everybody’s attention. Its fascinating how this genre is gloomily filled with dungeons of fears just like us. We all carry several secrets inside the chambers of our hearts.  All of us have been the slaves of our darkest desires and how those desires pushed us to commit the sins that we never would’ve done in our senses. Just like the theme of paranoia in this genre, we all experience such moments when we are rendered clueless, having no idea what to do and where to go anymore.

“If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

The ghastly appearances in the scary stories that tend to give us goosebumps might be the reflection of the memories from our past that tend to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Our past and the bad people that we encountered in it, the guilt of meeting them and not being able to forget even the single one of them. Even when we try to keep some memories out of our mind, why is it that those things are the first ones to pop-up in our mind every morning as we wake up and settle on our chests like a heavy burden by the night? How despite knowing that we wont be able to get certain things in our lives, we run after them like eccentric cicadas. What is the cause of all this madness? Why is it that even when we are well-aware of the consequences and reality, we tend to deny the truth and embrace the lies that give us a temporary solace? 

Gothic fiction is not just fiction, rather I believe this genre is the closest to reality. It is the direct imitation of each and every action that we perpetrate with every passing moment.

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

What we feel inside that the others cant see, feel or hear, the screams that echo in the empty chambers of our hearts, the adrenaline rush inside our veins, the pain in our chest and rise of fluids in our stomach which make us want to puke in broad daylight. The tears that we ingest in silence so that they might not twinkle in our eyes. Our wildest dreams that could never be fulfilled, our passions that are brutally slayed by the society. Despite being surrounded by a million people, not being able to find even a single soul that you could actually call yours, the fear of encountering right people at the wrong time and losing them when the time is finally right, a fog of fear looms around every hallway, every alley of the castle of our dreams, the residence of our existence. It is everything about our existence that actually haunt us, chase us and torment us till our heart stops beating and our breath becomes air.

Just like Gothic fiction is famous for a constant sense of increasing fear both within the readers and the narrators, our lives are full of fears as well. We all fear not just one, but an umpteen aspects of life, just like uncertainty that prevails in the respective genre, our life is a roller coaster ride where one never knows if he would be able to see the other end or not. I like how we humans are this much vulnerable, however its painful to see how we all are too scared to be lonely. It’s bitter sweet but life gives us everything with a ticking timer. Everything that we get, we have to lose it eventually. That is life and that is what it is. Forget “Damsels in Distress”, we all are the “Humans in Distress” here, waiting for the “Hope in shiny armor” to save us from our circumstantial as well as the self-inflicted miseries.

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
― Edgar Allen Poe

The balm of tranquility that we tend to find within the faces and bodies of the strangers is right inside our own hands. Place your hand upon your chest and chant louder, “Darling! You’ve got me.” That is what we need, our very own selves to save us. Stop finding temporary shelters, instead build yourself a Doric Castle which could provide shelter to the homeless souls. Don’t rely on others, instead be the one who could embrace the weaklings. Stand tall! You got this!

A day of October 1st.

It was like a breath of fresh air, the golden October. Cider mills started whistling again in the countryside, crushing and grinding the fresh apples and turning them into the magical elixir for the crisp, golden season at the hand. Pumpkin patches were bejeweled with ripe, bright tangerine winter squashes and a crowd of locals swarmed in by noon to get their hands on the best one.

People were wide opening the windows of their homes to let the soft, cool breeze sneak into their cozy nooks, humming a welcoming song for the jolly Fall. The smoke emanating from the chimneys of baked bricks diffused into the autumnal sky, an intermingling aroma of fresh pumpkin pies, creamy baked potatoes, stuffed turkey, cauliflower broth, warm cider, and greasy ratatouille.

Indeed it was the best time to fall in love with all the worldly creations, a time to sit back and relax. A time so magical where the sky deemed ethereal as if a million diamonds were crushed to form the shining golden horizon under which the lilac moors staged the enigmatic dance of cotton grass.

October was there, and all the calendars on the walls were marked, radios were taken out of the dusty racks and put up on the window sills, playing ‘burn witch burn’ by Molle Mystery Theater. The libraries were replacing their aesthetic window displays with gothic fiction like Dracula, Frankenstein, Coraline, and The Graveyard Book. Gardens and pathways in the greens were covered with the crunching leaves in hues of yellow and gold and where mere a crackle of the crisp fallen leaf could brighten up the day of several lovers taking a stroll in the nearby parks. Staircases in front of the red doors were made festive using the pumpkin peels carved in the shape of jack-o-lantern, stuffed with glimmering candles and twinkling fairy lights.

“October, baptize me with leaves! Swaddle me in corduroy and nurse me with split pea soup. October, tuck tiny candy bars in my pockets and carve my smile into a thousand pumpkins. O autumn! O teakettle! O grace!”
― Rainbow Rowell , Attachments.

Families sitting together in their comfy couches, bursting into laughter as they take their sweaters and stockings out of the winter trunks while sipping on the freshly brewed cocoa from the steaming kettle that is still whistling in the kitchen. Incense candles were flickering dimly into the dark rooms, dispersing the aroma of cinnamon, pumpkin spice, and the dewy fir as the autumnal sky grew darker and the night of first October grew colder. In a world full of magical Octobers like these, what else could a man possibly desire?

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”                          ― L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Charles Bukowski:

“I’ve never been lonely. I’ve been in a room — I’ve felt suicidal. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt awful — awful beyond all — but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me…or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I’ve never been bothered with because I’ve always had this terrible itch for solitude. It’s being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I’ll quote Ibsen, “The strongest men are the most alone.” I’ve never thought, “Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I’ll feel good.” No, that won’t help. You know the typical crowd, “Wow, it’s Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?” Well, yeah. Because there’s nothing out there. It’s stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I’ve never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn’t want to hide in factories. That’s all. Sorry for all the millions, but I’ve never been lonely. I like myself. I’m the best form of entertainment I have. Let’s drink more wine!”
― Charles Bukowski

Blank Spaces.

Have you ever looked up in the sky, all plain and blue and wondered how overwhelmingly enormous the cosmos is? We, humans, are inherently wild, yet enormity somehow has a terrifying effect on our natural instincts. One can meet a million people throughout the day, yet upon recalling how many people one actually knows could be overwhelming. 

A blank white canvas, standing errect in an artist’s studio would be the crispest sight for many, yet the artist would feel a strange heaviness in his stomach within the time-frame of grabbing the paintbrush till the first stroke of the paintbrush brings color to the blank canvas that merely reflected uncertainty and dubeity. As soon as the paintbrush starts gliding over the canvas, it works wonders, maybe with the mystical music playing in the background. We all admit that a blank sheet must have given us adrenaline rush or maybe a panic attack right before we finally start writing on it, even if it is just the margin lines that we are drawing and well ofcourse, we know that our knowledge is not only restricted to drawing straight margins. Similarly, a blank page would give a temporary writer’s block to the writer until he presses the first letter to type a random word to start with. 

“Blank spaces overwhelm us because internally, we all fear that our indecisiveness could lead us to making the wrong decisions in life.”

This state of indecisiveness just before you finally take a leap of faith, is melancholic, and absolutely natural. However, some of us let this feeling dominate our minds and eventually withdraw. When I finally sat down tonight to write something after ages, I also got this feeling of indecisiveness which made me type-backspace-type many titles and paragraphs, till I was finally able to compose something sensible. I have been practising this for a whole month now, but everytime I open up the blank page on my screen, the duebity makes me close the blog tab, open up Netflix and resume my favorite show.

The point is, we all face this in many aspects of life, however, it is important to know that life is all about chances. Life doesn’t come with a guidebook, even the same experiences can bear different outcomes twice. In order to survive, strive, and most importantly succeed, we need to take the chances that life throws at us. A painter might fear that the painting could turn out to be a complete mess and the people might not like it, yet he takes the chance with the first stroke. Similarly, a writer might wonder that he needs to get some sober ideas before composing the final product, however, he takes the chance and starts penning down the spontaneous overflow of raw emotions.

Most of us fear to take the chances because we fear the change, however, its important to know that change is important, in fact, essential. Most of us for instance, are keeping up with the lovers that we know we have no future with, yet we don’t want anything to go wrong and which is why we hope that everything remains stagnant, thus buying us a little more time. However, it’s very obvious that if a person cannot grow with you, evolve with you and love you in the times of deviating circumstances, it doesn’t mean that he/she is a bad person in general, but the fact that needs to be considered is that person is just not the right option and you need to find someone who is compatible and comfortable with your evolution.

“We all have our own criteria and intensity of evolution which needs to match the people we surround ourselves with.”

Losing people also leaves a blank space in our lives and thus we feel this feeling of loneliness and yearning to fill that space and until and unless someone, that I would rather call a natural alternative dont fill that blank space, you will keep searching for an alternative be it another person, a new hobby, therapeutic shenanigans or maybe drugs as seen in many cases. However, we somehow try to fill that blank space that people tend to leave behind them after they walk out of your life, but then again, coming and going of people is normal and life only comes at a stable pace, once you find the right person who can cope up with your evolution, with an emphasis on ‘stable pace’ because even then, life never stops, it never stagnates. We need to learn to blend in and swim with the flow, because flexibility is the key to a healthy life.

“Trying to confine people’s behaviors according to your desires and dictating them how to feel just because you think that is right is baseless and extremely toxic.”

Evolution is essential and no matter how we resist, we all evolve with the passage of time. I, for instance, is not the person I was yesterday, or even an hour ago. We all change with every passing second, our emotions, psychological perceptions, beliefs, experiences, mental capacity, nature, and thoughts keep revamping and that is how the human mechanism works, which is totally normal and resisting against which leads us to baseless insecurities, illogical doubts, immoral revenge, and useless anxiety. The more you normalize your life, the better it is for you, because the world is already full of drama so why not treat our mind with peace and self-sincerity?